Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

-Jokefile

1] What colour is the most attention-getting?
Black
Yellow
Red

2] Villains usually wear what powerful colour?
Black
Red
Blue

3] What is the colour of royalty?
White
Purple
Green

4] People lose their tempers most often in rooms of what colour?
Black
Yellow
Pink

5] Hospital rooms are often painted in what relaxing colour?
Pink
White
Green

6] In ancient Rome, public servants wore clothes of what colour?
Blue
Brown
Red

7] What solid, reliable colour implies genuineness?
Green
Brown
Black

8] What colour can cause people to lose energy?
Green
Blue
Pink

9] While brides in the West wear white, traditional Chinese brides usually wear what colour?
Red
Beige
Green

10] What is the least appetizing colour?
Black
Yellow
Blue

Colour: sand
Music: Kamran & Hooman :: 20 :: Man Toro Mikham
Shakila :: Magic Of Silence :: Shahe'E Mani

Things you do not want to hear during surgery.
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor. We are going to need a mop.
3. Accept this sacrifice, O great god of the Volcano.
4. Ola! Ola! Come back with that! Bad dog!
5. Wait a sec, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
7. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
8. OK, now take an XRAY from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
9. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
10. Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

xxx
If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
xxx

I've booked my trip to Germany, for health reasons, I will check into a spa town, and seek solace in the pine forests, fresh spring water, healthy, clean and cold air, and the all important back massage, radiating a whole host of methods which they will use upon my broken spine. Ranging from hot crystals, to eucalyptus ointments, intensely hard massage, and other methods of brutality which work wonders. (Yes, a HEALTH spa!)
It'll last all of four days, only, and I will stay with relatives, but yesterday, returning to English matters, was a 20 minute examinaton of my spinal problems, can you believe since January, they still sought confirmation of my diagnosis...so there I was, along with a dozen other suffering souls, all of us just waiting, waiting, waiting...three hours in total, for a humiliating examination to see if earlier diagnoses were correct...one left in tears, another with crutches gave an enormous sarcastic sigh, a girl hurtled out at the completion of her appointment, and mine was the last of the day.

The result of this will be in 7 weeks...WEEKS! And the MRI waiting list, which I thought was 7 months...any guesses how long??
18 months!!
Yes, eighteen months, I thought it a mistake, but no, this is the revised estimate, as of yesterday.

When people say merde stinks, they are right.

No matter, chin-up, and I shall stay supremely positive I hope.

It is no mere coincidence that the mind, lies above all else in the human body. At least most of the time.

Bye bye.

~~~

Positivity must rise above the immense quagmire of negativity which continually holds us back, threatens our energy, heaves at our emotions, and is generally a ruinous brute...if we allow it to be...and ONLY if we allow that!

Colour: Black and grey with a hint of orange
Music: Faithless: Sunday 8pm
Royksopp: The Understanding
Listening to, "Saturday Night Fry" a recording from 1988 and very, very funny.

The season has been so serene in general, that I think the equinoctial tempests like the squadrons, have passed the autumn in harbour and that they will all come forth together.
-Walpole, October 31st, 1779