Waited so long
over a year as such
received so little
now the pain's too much.

You can't fly a kite unless you go against the wind and have a weight to keep it from turning a somersault. The same with man. No man will succeed unless he is ready to face and overcome difficulties and is prepared to assume responsibilities.
William J.H. Boetcker

C. George Boeree, Ph.D. of Shippensburg University wrote about the Four Noble Truths

1. Life is suffering. Life is at very least full of suffering, and it can easily be argued that suffering is an inevitable aspect of life. If I have senses, I can feel pain; if I have feelings, I can feel distress; if I have a capacity for love, I will have the capacity for grief. Such is life.

2. Suffering is due to attachment. We might say that at least much of the suffering we experience comes out of ourselves, out of our desire to make pleasure, happiness, and love last forever and to make pain, distress, and grief disappear from life altogether.

3. Suffering can be extinguished. At least that suffering we add to the inevitable suffering of life can be extinguished. Or, if we want to be even more modest in our claims, suffering can at least be diminished.

4. And there is a way to extinguish suffering. This is what all therapists believe -- each in his or her own way. But this time we are looking at what Buddha's theory --dharma -- has to say: He called it the Eightfold Path.

...and this passed my mind after I signed another paper, authorising my latest operation in the hands of our NHS.

As I lay belly-down, with all dignity passed-over like the latest page in the book, was told to lay motionless...words which ALWAYS press my 'play button'...how can the mind stay still after being told this?
What if I sneeze...I just noticed a sniffle, a tickle, a bluebottle, a buzzing sound, could it be a bee about to land on my nose, or worse, what if I get cramp? 40 minutes motionless-yet-fully-conscious is asking the suppression of temptation too much, but the surgeon has the upper-hand, the needle, and with that needle, control of my root nerve nestling within my spine.

I recall his conversation with the assistant about a cat named Sharon. How I wish I was able to transmogrify...and for a moment, all of one second, (perhaps two if I embellish this post a little), I WAS Sharon, the surgeon's proud Persian.

My brief success at south American shapeshifting techniques faltered totally upon the surgeon's crisp words, 'Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, needle entering now, going to hurt, sorry, sorry, going-in now' ...and he was right.
The worst part, was the constancy. The electric bolt of pain from root nerve spine to toe nerves, neck nerves, any nerve was horrifying, but it went on, and on, and on, until I could feel an 'imaginary' weight pressing my muscles, particularly in my legs, as if a suction was decompressing self.

There were three of these in total, followed by a coldness, then elation, togeher with some bizarre humour from a relieved me, and finally shutdown. I just went-out completely.

I fully agree that life, as we know it, is more about suffering, or so it seems, and recovery is twice as hard as discovery. But if I seek any reason to love what I love, even more, it is all this right here around me.

Laying myself down under several surgeons again and again, allows my mind to take more pain, uncertainty and more travelling than ever before. I believe one reason for my exhaustion is in part due to the vast distances traversed by my mind on those tables.

I'm in a different world to the one of the surgeon who chats merrily about Sharon, as I hope I'll be able to walk again. Such is life, he a model professional, a surgeon saving me, and here am I, beneath, surrendering my being to science...or am I?

Part of me, the one that types right now, is far from the me that fends off tickling bees in surgery, because that me, is always here.

Dearest friends, stay positive and full of belief, it will get you through all things. It needs no bold print, or underlining, as it lays within you, where only you need read it.

Take care, with love,
lauren6

PS: I need to rest now, which is vital. As tomorrow, I have surgery once again.
Night night all.

PPS: Your comments are beautiful, everyone, thank you.

The Beloved: A Dream Within a Dream

seven years or seven lives
put a price on anything
a word of wisdom to the wise
you've given up on everything
the more you learn to recognise
the danger signs are gathering

will you fly with me as i sleep in you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
are we evergreen or forever blue?
in paradise the only hope is believing

is it trust or is it love
risen to a higher plane
we're following a different path
it never feels the same again
imagine you could live your life
but everything remains the same

will you fly with me as i sleep in you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
are we evergreen or forever blue?
in paradise the only hope is believing

if you come to me, i'll succumb to you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
omnipresent me, iridescent you
in paradise the only hope is believing

in a circle of life in a cycle of love
in a circle of life in a cycle of love
in a circle of life in a cycle of love
in a circle of life in a cycle of love
in a circle of life in a cycle of love
in a circle of life in a cycle of love

will you fly with me as i sleep in you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
are we evergreen or forever blue?
in paradise the only hope is believing

if you come to me, i'll succumb to you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
omnipresent me, iridescent you
in paradise the only hope is believing

will you fly with me as i sleep in you
in paradise the loneliness is deceiving
are we evergreen or forever blue?
in paradise the only hope is believing

Away from the foes and indignant subtraction
of life and lies neither seen nor heard
free from weight and diatribes relented
yet balance remains in the hands of the entrusted

-lauren6 (whilst laying under the surgeon's needles)