you'll hear me when I turn to the left
their instruction,
breaths life into darkness
shooting pain into my light
I can 'create' re-creation once more
but only out of necessity
to escape the present
to run from a surgical prod
to gorge out a hideaway
to find my lightning
that moved before the needle
as I lay waste and bare
consciously barricading
against pains love of speed
it moves unhindered
to find the quickest exit
whereby eyes may again show life
through the passing of storms
air becomes fresher
thoughts clearer
colours brighter
and life envigoured and rejuvinated.

from today's operation, behind closed eyes.

Just got through one major surgery, and trying, part by part, to return my body to a semblance of 'neo-normaility' though I'm enduring double-vision presently, and the injections, cuts, and knots are hurting...the pain is indeed taking hold of me, completely.

I'm in Italy
through the air
thin air
stiflingly close
breathing deeply
within a breath
a hairsbredth
of sound upon sound
hidden beneath a crowd
of gravity-defying
pain,
here in England
taking me away,
now I'm in Portugal
eyes closed,
mind alive
I can swim within a dream
fly without fear
living without a tear,
closing the book
awakening the dream
as yet unseen
dreaming of life
putting to sleep innermost fear.

Transfer to London this morning...in much pain, can't move head.
will post soon.
love and care dear friends.

I'm so sorry for not being able to reply quickly to your delightful comments, due in most part to my medication, and constant transferring between hospitals, which exhausts me.
I am so grateful for all your attention, warmth and genuine kindness, which in no small part is helping my mind, mood, and health...a big, huge thank you all.

So, please accept my apologies for not answering every comment...my health can just about post something, but quickly needs a rest again...so bear with me, please.

Congratulations to England, who should have come out 2-0, or 3-0 winners, and I will deride the Radio 5 evening show, the announcer, or host of a programme which ran from 9pm until 10pm called England's performance "crap"...he needs to swallow such comments and shut up. England were again far from brilliant, but also very far from being "crap". What garbage...it seems that some English people are getting more and more unhappy the further England progress...are they fans???????????

I for one, am happy, and if England had won 3-0, which should have been the case, but for Lampard's wrong footballing foot, then these 'people' would have been silent.
Such fools have found such wonderful outlets in this world cup, in the shape of presenters, show hosts etc.

(But my full credit goes to the ever-true Alan Green, and merited comments of Chris Waddle and Graham Taylor. All three enhance and grace Radio 5 live...but some others, ohhh dear.)

I will nod to Portugal's celebrations, after that crazy game. Now that is HOW to enjoy and celebrate!!!!!!!!!

C'monnnnnnnnnnnnn England for heaven's sake enjoy this moment.
Well done Hargreaves, well done Beckham, well done all!
This is a one-off, be positive!!!

Caught like a flower
the one that was yesterday
awaiting today's blossoming
of a yearlong quest
in capturing the right moment
now passed
until today becomes tomorrow
in a new year's passing

In struggles depth
I accept
the hidden veil
now bereft.

I take no responsibility for these, but they did make me laugh from my sick bed~~~!!!

If only one man in a thousand is a leader of men does that mean the other 999 are followers of women?

How come only women know the difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell?

Isn't a woman's mind cleaner than a man's since she changes it more often?

If a man's got to do what a man's got to do, how come a woman has to do what he can't?

How come few women admit their age and few men act theirs?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Why do women complain that they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? This shouldn't be that difficult should it?

Why does the man who says it can't be done always interrupt the woman doing it?

Single women complain that all good men are married while married women complain about their lousy husbands. Does this confirm that there is no such thing as a good man?

A neighbour, two doors away, plays Eminem or other rap music, EVERYDAY and has no direct complaints from anyone...
but he puts the speakers outside his window, so his music can be heard a full quarter of a mile away, and this week, I found a perfect answer...
playing an old cassette that barely works, and is very off-limits; Ultravox: "Dancing with tears in my eyes" at FULL blast, his way! Hahahaha.
His response, "Turn that f*g rubbish off".

If you can't give and take in this world, please don't get out of bed...this is my moral of the story.

Have you any neighbourly joys?

This is from Asia, and I will leave it in it's original format. See what you think!!

(I'm now in Essex, awaiting heavy medication...once again, apologies for being here, there and everywhere, usually in hospital, as is the case now...
I will reply to your lovely comments SOON, ok!!

Please, please comment on my blog anytime...I promise, when my health and energy allow, I'll reply to you all, I love your comments, but hate my health!!
I'm pushing myself as much as possible to at least post something every day, but often suffer extreme weakness with it.)

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from the VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true yes?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMEN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!

If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....hahahaha.
The moral of the story is.......SEND THIS TO GUYS OUT THERE ANYWAY...
Send it to girls also, gives them some laughter ...

I'm about to be transferred to another hospital, for shortterm treatment. I'll be moved south, to Essex at 4 or 5am tomorrow morning, for how long I do not know.

Today, I exploded because of the doubling of my already hard-to-cope-with medication, and my pleas to a doctor to listen to me rationally, and to at least pass comment on my constant excessive nosebleeding, increasing blood pressure, head pressure, and increasing leg and spinal pain...alas, he did not give a damn, seemed bored and very put-out that I was troubling him with mere "backache".

Dear friends, I'm sorry to rant, but can you give me a few minutes?
The doctor turned for a moment, to print out my doubled medication, (which is so strong, it needs my signature, from a sealed pharmacy, within the hospital!), I noticed on the PC, that he had written, "patient complaining of backache"...

...I was shocked beyond words.
I have written on here, that I have ALREADY had x-ray's and the key MRI revealing broken bones, fractures and a vertebrae slipping and trapping several nerves. (This has been the case for at least 2 years, and is deteriorating).
So, this is what the NHS call backache? Now I know, thanks for filling me in dear doctor, so sorry to have bothered you with my trivialities...

They are making ME feel ashamed of myself, for taking up their time, and adding to waiting lists, and I now feel they are just treating me, as they do many other patients, as a bloody nuisance.
The drugs they have given us all here are very strong, and seem to silence us all...is that their aim?
I am fearful that these drugs are designed more as 'silencers' than painkillers.
I still have my sanity, just, and also some firepower...and feel this is a 'now or never' moment...if I do nothing, I will fall into a slump, of the NHS making, and allow the haze of this medication to reduce me to a statistic, or, wake-up and fully realise that this is my life, and I should value it...I sometimes feel I am starting to accept the NHS mess, and allow myself to wait for two or three years before they even do anything.
It is not right, what is happening to so many.

Anyway, on a happier note, some kind Filipino medical staff, working here, gave me supper last night, which consisted of spices, adobo, rice and many meats...followed by glutinous rice in coconut milk, with crunchy peanut inside. Delicious!
There are some staff here, working their socks off to help patients, and trying to work against the tide. The 'ground staff' are brilliant.

I read today too, that Gabby Logan is unhappy with the excesses of World Cup presenting, and the travelling that goes with it...to the extent of her disapproval of German water affecting her hair. The fact that she made a point of mentioning a Novotel is evidence that she is not used to staying in them. Overpampering is not good Gabby!
Well, with respect, why doen't she hand over that huge pay packet to about 100,000 Brits who could and would willingly do a better job than her good self.
Further proof of the enormous and revolting financial divide in Britain.
Oh, I'm ranting rather a lot aren't I?
Apologies and no apologies.

PS: I'll reply to the great comments soon...my body has barely enough energy to post these few postings, let alone transfer hospitals.
Stay happy all!
Following my previous posts, keeping in touch is my best thing since sliced bread.

1) What would constitute a “perfect” evening for you?

2) Which sex do you think has the easier life in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?

3) If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else currently living, would you do so? Whom would you pick?

4) What was the most recent movie that made you cry?

Yes, I see loneliness in you
as we have shared hours-
without so much as a word
such silence often empowers
the need for someone
even limited to mere company
-where light has never shon
offering gleaming comfort
A beautifully decorated sanctuary
lying empty for too long
a place where speech is not mandatory
and sharing is never wrong
rediscovering a happy slipstream
uplifting hope on a cheerful breeze.

Philippines, May 21st

Vanishing Point
New Order (1989)

Grow up children, don't you suffer
At the hands of one another
If you like a sleeping demon
Listen can you hear him weeping
Tears of joy and tears of sorrow
He buys love to sell tomorrow.

My life ain't no holiday
I've been through the point of no return
I've seen what a man can do
I've seen all the hate of a woman too.

Feel your heartbeat lose the rhythm
He can't touch the world we live in
Life is short but love is strong
There lies a hope that I have found
And if you try you'll find it too
Remember why I'm telling you.

My life ain't no holiday
I've been through the point of no return
I've seen what a man can do
I've seen all the hate of a woman too.

And they gave him away
Let him whistle down wind
By the look on his face
He never gave in.

Answering number three, openly, is optional, but I'm sure we all have an answer somewhere!

1) If you could have dinner with 3 people from any time in history, whom would you invite? Why?

2) If you could have heard the deathbed confession of one person from history, who would you pick?

3) Which famous person, now dead, do you wish you could have seen naked?

4) Which is more important: actual experiences, or the memories that remain when the experiences are over?

Yes, indeed, I do wonder...why is that as I've been incapacitated, given the time to draw, write, mark students work, (as opposed to actually teaching in the classroom), and allowed to sit and recover from, or wait for, surgery, I can see the passing suburban traffic outside, those wan faces in the sun-deprived parts, who, just two weeks ago had the cross of St-George proudly emblazoned everywhere, and flying from a car window or three, are now reduced to the World Cup in-betweenies, without a cross to be seen.

I would say from my NHS observatory, that here in Norwich, one in ten cars flew the flag for England at the tail end of May/first week of June, but now, this morning, a full ten minutes of full freeflowing traffic...heavy traffic, spourned just one flag-flying car...a dear old lady too.
Why, why, why have people, (at least here), shed their flags? Have they abandoned their support because England won the group, undefeated?
Have they given up the dream, because we have avoided Germany and potentially Argentina?
Do we fear Ecuador so much? I wish to know the reason for this dramatic change, because it truly bugs me. My car, which I can't drive at present because of this broken spine, proudly displays one simple flag, and no matter what performance, or result, I am proud to fly it, even with mixed blood...I am proud to be an Englishman. It is, frankly, a pity that more people don't stick with the team, or country, instead of Hargreaving for something imaginary.

England have not played well, the manager has not managed brilliantly, our squad could have been better and fitter, but there you are, this is the challenge and so far you could NOT say we have failed it, could you?

I know a lot about Holland and the Dutch, and their team has hardly exelled...but their fans are more jubilant than our own. (They, incidentally, have exactly the same WC record as England, with two wins and a draw.)
I have also witnessed something extraordinary this summer: Scottish people actually showing more excitement and enthusiasm for the England team, than some English fans!

As you may guess, I love England, as someone who has been abroad most of their life, with some foreign family, and this is why I have written this post, from a medical hell, I see it more clearly.
Be happy England fans, please. Your pessimism is not helping anyone. (From a footballing perspective England have many faults, but without ANY belief, how will we ever get past a quarter-final?)

Rant over.
:b

To the Smiths
of England
the wonder of it all
whether fourth or fifths
you surely should
stand tallest of them all.

A double nod to England and Morissey/The Smiths.

for hors d'oeuvre, try these;

1) Would you enjoy spending a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting?
Food and shelter would be provided but you would not see another person.

2) What is the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

3) What vegetable do you most resemble?

4) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A recent study indicates when men crave food, they tend to crave fat and salt. When women crave food, they tend to desire chocolate.

Americans consumed a gross 3.1 billion pounds of chocolate in 2001, which is almost half of the total world's production.

Chocolate manufacturers currently use 40 percent of the world's almonds and 20 percent of the world's peanuts.

A daydream is a meal at which images are eaten. Some of us are gourmets, some gourmands, and a good many take their images precooked out of a can and swallow them down whole, absent-mindedly and with little relish.

-W. H. Auden

A smiling face is half the meal.
- Latvian Proverb (for Kiki)

I was briefly able to return home today, but now safely under the hospital medical team's clutches once more...this medication raises my temperature, heart rate, and nausea, but, alas, lessens my spinal pain...is it worth it?
Noooo....

Anyway, I tried making my lunch at home, which was a great feeling after so long under regulated plastic spaceship meals.
Hanna would be interested, because I set-out with omelette in my mind, which became a bit more.
I cut three herb sprigs from my garden, some onion leaves, shrimps, mushrooms, maasdam, pepper, a tiny touch of chilli, olive oil, and onion slices, together with the eggs...whilst deep frying thinly sliced potatoes, garlic and daikon!
It was an experiment for me to fry Japanese radish, but it seems to have worked, and the omelette was ok. For me, with all the medical schedules surrounding my life, this meal was a joy.
What do you think dear friends?

Since last night's game, listening to this song, stuck in my head...

See the sun rise over her skin
Don't change it
See the sun rise over her skin
Dawn changes everything
Everything
And the delta sun
Burns bright and violet

Mississippi and the cotton wool heat
Sixty-six a highway speaks
Of deserts dry
Of cool green valleys
Gold and silver veins
Of the shining cities

In this heartland
In this heartland soil
In this heartland
Heaven knows this is a heartland
Heartland...heartland

See the sun rise over her skin
She feels like water in my hand
Freeway like a river cuts through this land
Into the side of love
Like a burning spear
And the poison rain
Brings a flood of fear
Through the ghost-ranch hills
Death valley waters
In the towers of steel
Belief goes on and on

In this heartland
In this heartland soil
In this heartland
Heaven knows this is a heartland
Heartland...heaven knows this is a heartland
Heartland...heartland
Heartland...heaven's day here in the heartland
Heart...

U2

So, we topped the group, as winners, unbeaten, and avoiding the mighty hosts Germany.
But still the English are filled with pessimism and gloom. I am surrounded by people and friends from all corners of England, and indeed, the world, the majority of whom are depressed.

Not me. I can only agree that England's performances have failed to live up to the pre-World Cup hype...but I did not believe any of that springtime crap anyway, as I felt that England had world class players, working together as a good team, under a conservative manager, making us a great quarter-final bet, as in every tournament. We are very good, but not made of of quite enough to win it, unless luck goes our way, as it did for my beloved Liverpool in the Champions League 2005.

And be fair, it was a good game to watch for a neutral...very Premiership, and neither side were bad, only the English defence.

Now, Owen Hargreaves must consider himself lucky to play away from the Premiership, away from the hounds. His performance last night was selfless and important, way ahead of Beckham's contribution. Who is the captain, by the way? Because he fails to instill any fire into the players...unlike players past, (Bryan Robson, Tony Adams etc). Owen Hargreaves IS a good player, full stop...it is just that many people don't understand his role.

As for Michael Owen, I am disgusted at what I heard last night from some 'Englishmen' who just grunted, "so what, he's injured, ...was rubbish anyway". That attitude is about as valied as a dragonfly trying to blot out the sun.
Michael has given his all, to all three clubs and his country, from a very young age, and I am sure would have scored some goals in Germany too. Now, it is unlikely that he'll score at all this year. I feel sorry for Newcastle, who relished a Shearer-Owen partnership, which hardly materialised, and now await a season without both.
I just hope that this latest, probable serious injury, will not permanantly hamper his star play, though if you look at Ronaldo, weight apart, it probably will.
I wish Owen a quick recovery. All I want is to see his scoring ability restored, and his happiness back. He has looked an unhappy soul for too long now. Not too disimilar to the tale of Fowler, (for different reasons). They have both followed a similar footballing path at a strikingly similar age.

Come on England, be positive for a change. Sweden got second place, awaiting Germany and they celebrated long into the night like New Year's eve...shouldn't we realised that we're not favourites, not ranked number 1, and have actually done "ok"?

I know most English people are proud and passionate about this World Cup, perhaps the reason we feel some disappointment at the performances, but deep down, we're all proud of the team.

Soya bean coffee
Rum with tropical fruit
Rice, daikon, carrots, chicken, furekake, spinach and Mama Sita sauce
Sesame seed bread with Brie and black, pitted olives.
Tuc biscuits.
Lemon, ginger, mango and orange tea.

(These are from my own private stores...not courtesy of the NHS!)

What did you enjoy on your plate, and in your glass/tankard* today dear friends?

* Which one of you uses a tankard???

I'm off to see the hospital (wizard) consultant, bye bye for now.

Time that sped away
never waited for today
only fulfilled tomorrow's call
ahead of us all
...forever.

lauren6, Philippines, May 23rd

"Just because you have a nice motorbike, doesn't mean you can ride it well."

Another flabby performance by Brazil and they somehow swagger through again, yawn...they are in danger of losing a once loyal global fanbase. Ronaldinwho??? Two uninspiring performances from him...never mind the Ronaldo weight-related thoughts, what about the world's current best player? He looks predictable to me...and is over-playing the chipped-through ball, which has not worked once as yet. He IS brilliant, but has the arrogance gone to his feet? I hope not.
Brazil are boring, yes...it is true, and it hurts me to say so. Kaka is their star and nobody else.
For heaven's sake TV, there are more players than R in the Brazil team.
A nod to Australia who were mightily unlucky to lose 0-2, and but for Kewell's uncool finishing, would have gained a point...indeed, three points would not have flattered the Australians, who were the better team, with weaker finishing.

France...oh mon Dieu, why has this happened? They are a warning to England, that sitting on a 1-0 lead, (even if it WAS really 2-0 but the referee forgot that the net does not have to inform him of a goal, to make it legal), is very dangerous, verging on arrogant. I think that France will still qualify, but without any dignity.
Can anyone remember Italy during Spain 1982, when they scraped through the group stages on three draws? And eventually won the World Cup outright that year. Cameroon, (which included the ageless Roger Milla), also had equal points with Italy but were eliminated, very unfairly...and speaking of Italy, a team I admired before this WC started, appear a sad blend of failing actors and actresses. Del Pierro and Totti, the old school, apart, their team do not impress in the true footballing sense, however, they will probably do well, but thanks to refereeing decisions...they are probably due some dubious decisions in their favour, after THAT exit to South Korea in 2002.

Why did nobody on TV mention Japan's brilliant penalty save yesterday?

Well done Ghana by the way, an African victory in this WC was surprisingly overdue, despite some brilliant football from all four competing teams. I predict they will qualify for the last 16. I haven't seen my Ghanian friend, which probably explains the level of his celebrations since their win!!!!!

Music, cheer, song and smiles
-the dominating features
of my Philippine days
no-one wants farewell
least of all me
I'm wishing for more-
all-embracing life
I've seen the heart's of Gold
the real Pearl of the Orient
with nothing seen deeply
(to the untrained and pampered visitor)
these islands have everything
the people are my teachers
western decadance disgarded
all one needs is Life
and a heartful of Love
a smile upon the face,
food on the plate...

England's 'nanny state',
or this Pacific paradise?
regulation or meditation
the choice supplied the answer.

Philippines, May 20th

If I never see you again
and I wonder upon your thoughts
as you catch my gaze
and I yours-
was a second's hesitation
cause for a lifetime's reflection?

Luzon, Philippines, May 21st

I've been in DEEP weakness these past days, sometimes semi-conscious, but well enough to watch some World Cup games, and how disappointing Brazil were. They are not so much overweight, but weighed down by expectation, and look EXTREMELY arrogant in my opinion.
England are some way behind them though, but their own expectation has drawn them down too, but thank heavens they did win 2-0 last night, bringing my loudest cry of the year so far!!!

England should worry, but not unduly, as Holland have an equally big expectation, played their opening game in similar vain, and faded. France did even worse, with a fabulous line-up, and Germany, though deserving their win against Poland, really did NOT get much global praise for scoring the winner so late against a resilient Poland team.

The teams to watch are Ecuador, Portugal, Spain and Argentina...perhaps Italy too.
But my heart is banking on England!

Now I will continue my heavy medication, but will try to reply all the lovely comments from you dear people!

If I knew tomorrow
I'd fall back on yesterday
and leave today
as if nothing had happened.

-May 20th,
Luzon, Philippines.