※SpinalGap24 ※

I've just had a doctor put my neck in a brace for safety, due to my spinal nerves becoming 'very tense'...so I guess my dancing days have been postponed by a further day~~!!

In the old days, the rich landlords owned everything and the poor peasants worked the land, earning barely enough to survive. Often, the starving peasants would go into the woods and gather firewood, mushrooms or acorns, knowing full well that the landlord could have them severely punished for theft.Petro was a young man who had been caught many times by the landlord and his guards. The landlord finally decided that, since nothing would stop Petro from his behavior, he must be put to death.On the day of his hanging, a large crowd gathered in the yard of the landlord. Petro was well-known to all the villagers, and they were sorry that it had come to this. Before the rope was put on him, the landlord asked if Petro had one last request. I do, Your Honor, said Petro. I would like one last look at this beautiful world. The request being granted, Petro stepped into the middle of the yard, while the people stood back to make room for him. What a beautiful sky this is, cried Petro. What beautiful clouds and sun! Soon my young eyes shall see thee no more! No more will my ears hear the whisper of the breeze or the babbling of the brook! Petro carried on at some length, and the crowd became quite emotional. Some were openly weeping, and others stood looking at their feet. Petro slowly made his way to the edge of the crowd, speaking all the while of how he would miss the world when he was gone.Suddenly, he leaped the fence and was gone, as fast as his feet would carry him. At first, no one realized that he was gone and, by the time the guards came to their senses, it was too late. Petro was no longer there. Petro ran for all he was worth and finally came to his hut. He rushed in the door and flopped himself on his reed bed. His surprised wife saw him come running, and when she followed him into the house, she saw him on the bed with his feet on the pillow and his head at the other end. What is happening? she cried. Are you crazy? Why are your feet on the pillow? Petro smiled and replied, If it were not for my feet, this crazy head would not be on my neck. They saved my life, so they deserve the pillow, and they shall have it!

From "Feet on the Pillow and Other Ukrainian Folk Tales Retold in English,"

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly looses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and the school blew up!"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Of course, damn it! My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

And The Best For Last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes,I suppose that it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!